Here's a quick breakdown of the game if you're not familiar with it. You start as a civilization, usually beginning in the Bronze Age and working through to the Information Age. Along the way you gather resources, research new technologies and ideas (everything from gunpowder to the theory of world government) and seek to conquer all who stand in your path.
Needless to say, the possibilities are endlessly entertaining.
Imagine progressing from the Medieval Age to the Gunpowder Age. It's rather satisfying to see your enemy, still on mounted horses, as your troops walk up and shoot them down using the first arquebusiers. A resounding bang from their shots ring out, the mounted cavalry goes down, and more often than not, a sadistic laugh comes from the player.
Grubbs and I, as expected, have developed an effective strategy for when we play. He handles the logistical side of things: resource gathering, age leaping, researching new technologies, all fall under his watchful eye. I serve as the field commander: sending out skirmish parties, breaking up trade routes, and then, ultimately, leading my army of death and destruction into the heart of our enemy's homeland: leveling and killing anything in my path.
We usually do quite well with this approach. The game typically concludes with a final climatic and immensely satisfying battle - one last, gigantically violent outburst as my tanks, bombers, infantry, and armored units level buildings, and decimate enemy forces. And, when I've had a particularly bad day, we even take out civilians. Hey, they were helping to build tanks for the enemy, of course they had to die.
Tonight, however, was quite a different story. We hadn't played in months, perhaps even a year. So we fired up Rise of Nations, logged onto the Game Spy network, swapped login passwords, and started a game - the way that proper, old school, grizzled, gamers did it back in the days before Xbox Live and matchmaking services. We were just shy of exchanging IP Addresses, and it was good times.
Except Carl upped the ante tonight. Rather than playing on our normal difficulty setting, he upped it to Hard. Now, this really doesn't sound like a big deal, and in the realm of reality, it isn't. But in Rise of Nations, Hard is HARD. We've heard stories of guys who beat Rise of Nations on Hard. And doing so against 7 other computer opponents is the equivalent of Grubbs' little sister beating Deep Blue in a game of chess. It's impossible. And so there we were, the plucky Americans facing off against the Russians in a Hard match. And wow, was it ugly.
Don't get me wrong, we more than held our own. Grubbs, as always, was whipping out resources, knocking out age leaps, and setting up the needed infrastructure to build a massive military force. I sent early skirmishers out about thirty minutes into the match to exploit the terrain my scouts already mapped. And that was precisely when trouble began. Usually my forces get a little head start on the enemy, and we can successfully attack a city before they can respond. Not tonight. Right as I reached our own border, there was a large Russian force already lying in wait. We were firmly in the Gunpowder Age, but they already had armored vehicles. It went downhill fast.
I kept cranking out army after army: dozens of troops, vehicles, and artillery pieces. And we nearly took one of their cities. I managed to reduce it and my infantry was in the midst of capturing it when the Russians counter attacked. They swung in behind me and dug in, and it wasn't pretty. Grubbs, by this point, had performed yet another age leap, giving us access to bigger tanks. This worked, for about thirty seconds, and then the Russians leapt ahead again. Ultimately, I knew where Carl was headed: The Information Age. And I knew why he wanted to get there so quickly: Nuclear Weapons.
Usually the nuke is our swan song, our close out hitter, the final kick to the enemy's groin before we turn out the lights. Only tonight, the nuke became a defensive weapon. And you just know things have gone pear shaped when a nuclear weapon becomes a tool for defense. You also know it's a bad night when my army is used to hold the enemy still long enough for Grubbs to drop an ICBM on them.
The match only grew more and more lopsided. I fought valiantly, throwing everything I had into the Russian onslaught. Our P-51 Mustangs did their damnedest, but there's not much to be done against SU-27 Flankers with laser guided missiles. And as much as my tanks tried to stop the Russians, there isn't much you can do when half of Russia shows up angry and armed with Katusha rocket trucks. Nuke after nuke dropped. We tried to knock out their Wonders (special buildings which give the builder unique advantages like increased attrition to attacking enemy troops). We tried to knock out their cities. We dropped more nukes on their army. And the godless commie bastards just kept coming, no matter what Grubbs and I did.
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| Grubbs rushing towards Nuclear Armageddon... |
As yet another white flash lit across my monitor, I heard Allison, Grubbs wife, inquire about the countdown to Armageddon on his screen. I explained over the phone that it was the countdown to the end of the world: use too many nukes and it's all over. In true Grubbisan fashion, Carl chimed in and said, "Yeah, and I'm trying to get to that number as fast as I can. Nuclear Winter is a win at this point." I couldn't help but agree with him. In one last, desperate gasp, I pushed the remaining forces I had left - about eight guys with machine guns and a Humvee - into the mass of Russian troops, now numbering in the thousands, and waited.
Boom!
One last nuclear blast and it was all over. Was it a win? Well, it's all in how you look at it, I suppose. We played the computer on Hard - which means the computer could generate units, gather resources, scout the map, and launch an army in a matter of seconds, where as the two of us - mere mortals, mind you - had to point and click to do it all. The computer doesn't. So, holding the Russians to a stalemate on Hard, even if it meant Nuclear Winter, was a pretty good night.
Then again, we are sick, sick, people.
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We may not have won, but neither did those Godless heathens. Ergo, it's a win because our good Christian American troops are gonna end up in Heaven where they belong, as opposed to those Commie bastards, who are currently roasting in digital hell. Sounds like a win to me!
ReplyDeleteOh, and for the record..... There are two more difficulty levels ABOVE the one we just played at. We weren't even close to maxing it out.
ReplyDeleteKinda puts us in our place, doesn't it?