My Social Hierarchy

After heading down the dark path of humanity's eventual demise, we turn once again to the lighter side of life. I've realized over time that I've developed a social hierarchy of sorts to my interaction with other people. I've also determined that the methods we use to communicate also says a lot about what we think of the person we're communicating with. So to better explain how I feel about the method you might use to get in touch with me, I developed the following chart. Allow me to introduce the Rennie Acceptable Use Of Communications Technology Flowchart - created by the fine folks over at the Intellectual Institute For The Creative Use Of Ridiculously Long Titles and Meaningless Extensions To Sentences That Should Have Ended Much Sooner For The Sake Of Funny Blog Posts, or IIFTCUORLTAMETSTSHEMSFTSOFBP. Thanks guys, the check's in the mail.

We'll begin with the highest form of communication and slide down the slippery slope of technology to the lowest of the low. Mind you, some caveats apply, and will also be noted where appropriate. Let's begin.

Tier I: Face-to-Face. Ah yes, communication the way it was meant to be. Complete with body language, smiles, the stereo sounds of the human voice being sent directly from one person to another. This is the highest form of human contact and shows me that you really care about me and value your time with me; well done. You say what you mean, I can understand you. There are no misunderstandings, no typos, no dropped calls, no spam. Just you and me, the way the good Lord intended. This form of communication is the strongest, and the least likely to suffer from catastrophic breakdown. If you're a real friend of mine, we get together in person whenever possible - barring special circumstances. This is also the only method that should be used in the event that a relationship is going to end, or an argument is going to be hashed out. If you have a bone to pick with me, at least extend me the courtesy of doing it in person.

Tier II: The Phone. I'm not as much of a fan of the phone as the face-to-face form of communication. That said, it'll get the job done and at least shows that you're willing to actually pick up a phone and call me. It's nice, it says "you're worth the use of my vocal chords." I know I'm not the best about picking up the first time you call - my cell phone isn't spot welded to my hip and I try not to talk while driving, so please forgive me and don't mistake my lack of answering for any disrespect towards you. Unless I just don't like you, in which case you should gather that if you call me 16 times and I don't call back... it's a hint. But I'm not a complete jerk, so you may still keep in touch with me by falling back to Tier III. There are times, however, when the phone is not only unacceptable, but contemptuous and personally damnable. Example: breaking up a relationship, having an argument, or otherwise engaging in bitter, contentious, negative social interaction without providing me the basic decency of face to face interaction will label you as a bastard for the rest of your natural life. It's still not the worst action you could take, but we'll get to that one later.

Tier IIa: Letters. Now this is just cute. It's nice to see someone leave me a note, write me a letter, or even send me a card. I'm a sentimental type, at least once you peel off all of the layers of venom and hate for the human race that fills my very being. So writing me a note, slapping a stamp on it, and sending it to me is a great thought, and actually does mean a lot to me. Nicely done, you're one of the better people in this world. You should be warned however, that letters and post-it notes are not to be used to resolve any issues between us, be it personal or professional. This is a bad idea and I do not recommend it. For any further questions, refer to Tier I.

Tier III: Email. Email, that relic of the 1990's that is so rarely used these days. It's a nice way to say, "I still care that you're alive, and this is my way of digitally poking your corpse to make sure you're still moving." This of course, does not apply on a professional manner. But certain uses of email in awkward social situations is deemed as highly dubious, socially reprehensible, and in particularly heinous strategic applications, is classified as "social doucebaggery." Example: breaking up an intimate, long term relationship via email is known as Class I Social Doucebaggery. Having a fight via email is nearly as bad and shows a shocking level of contempt, a lack of basic respect, and a clear sign that the email sender has absolutely no guts whatsoever. In short, using email for the clearing up close, intimate problems is grounds for court martial, if not downright execution in the eyes of yours truly. Engage at your own peril.

Tier IIIa: Instant Messaging. Eh, it'll do in a pinch. But if I'm going to be sitting in front of my computer for three hours, I'd rather be shooting German fighters out of the sky or torching some hapless villagers in Rise of Nations. That said, we are living in a world where long distance is expensive and cell phone minutes are limited, so I get it. And I'll go the distance with you if we're both in a bind. Just don't expect to use IM as a way of making sure I'm "doing okay" after a nasty argument or a breakup and expect me to call you anything besides a gutless bastard and block you for the rest of your natural life. That kind of behavior is what we like to call Class II Social Doucebaggery.

Tier IV: Facebook. You're pushing your luck now. Facebook is a good way, in my mind, for basic social acquaintances to keep in touch - that's about it. If you're a classmate and need to get a hold of me, it's a good way to go. If you're a close friend and you're in a pinch, you can fall back on Facebook if you have no other recourse available to you at the time. But using Facebook as a replacement for lunch, a phone call, or even an email is bordering on Class I Social Douchebaggery. And while "poking" me is cute, it certainly won't replace poking me in person. In fact, poking with no other form of communication is deemed as nothing more than keeping your foot in my proverbial social door, while lacking the desire to put forth any further effort into our relationship - way to go... you shallow, vapid, sorry excuse for a human being.

Tier V: Text Messages. Simply said, the lowest of the low. You have sunk to a level of Social Douchebaggery that even I didn't know was possible. This surpasses Class I, it surpasses any of the Tiers, and is only tagged as a Tier V for cataloging purposes. You've elected to send me a broken, disjointed, cluster of letters via my phone, and I have to actually pay money for the social disservice you've just extended me. Human "beings" who resolve social situations through text messaging will one day find themselves roasting in the seventh ring of Dante's Hell. It's the all time, gutless, and socially heinous method of communication known to man. You'd be better off communicating with me via telegram - at least you could pay someone to read the telegram to me. Anyone who texts while driving should be shot. Anyone who texts as a way of resolving an argument should be shot. And anyone who feels the need to text me with broken English, no grammar, or the ever nauseating "lol" at the end of every sentence should not only be shot repeatedly in the groin, but lathered in marinade and placed in a large potato sack with a half dozen rabid wolverines. If you haven't gathered by now, texting me in the social situations I've outlined will get you on my bad list in a hurry. And as many will attest, once you're on the list, you don't get off.

And now you know how to get on my good side, and how to stay the hell away from my bad side. So let's get together, have a bite to eat, maybe some coffee, and catch up. I'd like to see you, and I'm not nearly the social hermit that you might think I am. If that doesn't suffice, you know my name, look up the number and I'll be happy to talk. But proceed along the dangerous path of poking and texting at your own peril.

After all, if you're going to poke me that much, you could at least buy me dinner every now and then...