The Fredster Strikes Back

Well it's about damn time I had a blog post all to myself! I haven't even been let near a computer since May, when I finally got a chance to tell the world what I really think of Rob... Yes, that narcissistic, back biting, ego-maniac who, after nearly 260 posts, feels the need to keep this pointless little dog and pony show up and running. And for what? Cause he gets a handful of comments here and there and it makes him feel all special. Really, it's amazing to see just how little it takes to keep that ego of his fed and happy. So here we go, with another sarcastic, bleak, depressing, venom laced post from me, the Fredster. Now that I've properly sedated Rob and tied him up in the closet, we'll get down to brass tacks and maybe, just maybe, this time I can collectively bitch slap everyone and get your priorities back in line so that this nonsense will finally end.

Here's Fred's Five Conclusions from The Skewed View.

1. There is no "staff."
Why do you people out there in blogger land insist on believing that Skewed has a staff? Honest to God, we have a freaking burro, a bad emu picture which was mis-identified as an Ostrich for over a year, some traumatized Sherpa named Akbar, and me - and I've been forbidden to touch a computer for the last three months (so much time with so little porn) - so how much of a "staff" do you think Skewed actually has? That's right, none, zilch, zero, bupkiss. It's just Rob sitting in his boxers, parting his bed head and scratching his crotch at six in the morning while he makes something up about how unique and engaging and interesting his boring ass life is - all while supposedly providing us with some so called insight that he seems to think is all edgy and witty.

Hey Rob, I've got news for you - you're about as edgy as Barry Manilow on a Valium bender - and you're not nearly as attractive.

2. Rob and Carl will complain about anything.
If I ever met anyone more miserable than these two bastards I would shoot them on sight just to make the suffering end. "I'm a jaded, worldly senior, boo hoo. Classes are hard and I procrastinate too much, boo hoo. I graduated and now I have nothing to do, boo hoo. I got a job, boo hoo. I hate my job, boo hoo. I'm single and spend every waking moment of my day in front of a computer writing blog post after blog post about how much it sucks to be single rather than finding my bullocks and doing something about it, boo frickin' hoo hoo." They can take anything good and find everything miserable and depressing in it. Gaming sucks, politics suck, my ripped CD collection sounds like crap and my hearing is too shot to tell the difference - and that sucks. Bad drivers suck, driving sucks, teenagers are annoying, freshman are stupid, cell phones piss me off, boo hooey hoo hoo, bitch, bitch, bitch. All you guys ever do is piss and moan. Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, go out, have a night in Atlantic City, pick up some women, do what needs doing - if you know what I mean - and lighten the hell up! Maybe, just maybe, then you'd be able to write a post that wasn't sopping wet with whiny, self-loathing, depressing dreck that's been dressed up and passed off as "satire."

3. Blake needs to stop being political and start being funny.
Blake, I love you - even though your blog has the lamest rip off of me that I've ever seen. Sanjay is the perfect example of foreign labor gone bad. Blake, honest to God, you cheap bastard, you had to outsource your own alter-ego! That was a perfectly good American job! Give it up man, you're a bleeding Republican - only Republicans could be that cheap. Now you've got a funny act and all - love the cat pictures and the great analogies and witty sarcasm. Just stop with the politics. We have enough political garbage out there already and we don't need you clogging up the tubes with more "democrats are bad because of this..." We get it. We can flip on the tele and see it any time we like. We read blogs to get away from that kind of depressing garbage (which begs the question, why in the hell are we reading Rob and Carl's depressing garbage?) So, on with the funny, on with the witty, on with the jaded and the goofy kitty cats and what not - and enough of your crazy "I'm a Republican in Libertarian clothing" shenanigans. Other than that, you do great stuff - keep up the good work, tell the missus I said hi and thanks for last night.

4. Post counts still don't matter.
Rob, reaching 200 posts was about as impressive as the size of your.... well you know what I mean - it was monumentally underwhelming. It says the following things about you: A: you have no life. B: You are painfully single on a mind boggling scale. C: Your ego feeds off of continually padding your pathetic little post count. D: You really, really have absolutely no life, do you? You poor miserable bastard. And I've got news for you Skippy, reaching 250, 260, hell, even 300 posts simply won't matter either. Why? Because we still don't care. We didn't give a rip in May and we don't give a rip in August.

Half of those "amazing" posts are nothing more than shameless F1 rants anyway, so really your count - much like Barry Bonds' home run record - needs to be adjusted to reflect the reality of the situation - which should put your real count at around what, 10, 15? So get over yourself, find something worth doing, and stop boring the piss out of the rest of humanity with your silly "oh look at me, I've written a lot of crap that I wasn't paid to write." You just look stupid.

5. Our readers are stupid.
And you people! Yes, you bloody people! I cannot believe you snarky ass readers keep hanging on and dragging this thing out. Skewed should be dead by now! You hear me? Dead! It should have died a year ago - this thing should have never, ever gone on this long, it's just freaking absurd! You're stroking the ego of a broken and bitter little boy whose only solace in his poor, pathetic, nookie-less existence is his damn post count and your comments. And yet you keep posting! Why? He's not even that interesting! He's not remarkable in any way! He doesn't proofread his mindless dribble before posting it, and yet you keep devouring it and asking for seconds! Honestly, if you would just do a little homework, you could find some real authors who are actually worth reading! Hemingway, Dickens, Poe, these are all perfectly good authors - and none of them use words like "craptastic" - which is exactly what this blog is. So please, I implore you! Stop commenting! If you stop giving him attention, he'll just get bored and go away and I can finally go home and stop eating pre-licked saltine crackers for the rest of my natural life!

Damn, he's waking up. Time to slink back to the basement dungeon - I hear the burro is still on suicide watch after being forced to exercise while wearing florescent pink spandex during that whole "I'm exercising and losing weight" phase that Skewed went through. You've never seen an ass chafe so much.