Christmas Guidelines

It occurred to me after touching base on the Commercialization of Christmas - that I have a few other points to make.

1. Do NOT decorate your house in October. I'm not kidding - I saw at least three or four houses this year with lights up in early October. I get that you're excited. I also get, from experience, that hanging all of those lights is a major pain in the ass. But October? Surely you jest - or perhaps you're using a calender that we're not familiar with.

2. Giant Inflatable Decorations. Does any other Christmas item scream "I'm a Christmas Jack Ass" more than a 50 foot tall, singing, dancing, light up Santa Clause in front of your double wide? The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade floats should not come to our doorsteps, that's why it's on TV. This is simply not healthy behavior. When I was a kid (a scant 15 years ago), yard decorations included lights, a manger scene perhaps, or maybe even some reindeer on the roof - and those were the folks who overdid it. But now we have 80 foot tall inflatable snowmen that fill the yard. Think understated folks, modest decorations are pretty - you're not lighting a brothel, and your 5,000 KW display of Christmas gaudiness will only serve to make your neighbors despise you a little more.

3. Store sales in October. Seems October is the new December. I've never seen Halloween and Christmas decorations side by side in a store before - but by God, I did this year. Surely a hole in the space-time continuum has opened somewhere, perhaps over a small village someone in the outback, and it's sucking up natives into its vortex. Because, by my calculations, October and December are... yes, two months apart! I thought I was having a hallucination when I walked into a local drug store and saw ghosts and goblins taking up residence next to Santa and baby Jesus. I actually walked out of the store, looked at the sun, pinched myself to make sure I was awake and my central nervous system wasn't on the fritz again, and walked back in. Only to find the same sight. Oh the horror.

These three points raise a few questions. First, I get the excitement over Christmas - I was a kid once too. But October?? Why is it impossible to celebrate the holiday from Thanksgiving to New Years - that's over a month of yuletide goodness. I'd also raise the point that by having a month to celebrate makes the holiday more special - cause it's shorter and hence "precious." When I was little, a month for Christmas was forever! The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was torture. I can't imagine having to wait from Halloween till Christmas - my head would explode. No wonder so many kids today are on cocktail of Ritalin and elephant tranquilizers.

Second, why do you have to do Christmas bigger than anyone else? From the doofus with the army of inflatable Christmas figures on the lawn to the trailer down the road with the lights up before the leaves turn. You know they're only motivation is to beat everyone else to the punch, and to do it better than the rest of us (if Christmas decorating can actually be done better). So congrats, you're a bigger ass than I am when it comes to celebrating what used to be a sacred holiday, way do go. Do you want a cookie or something?

I propose a new product for these Christmas zealots. Take the big fingers sold at football games, and create one that says "Jesus Is #1!". Just make sure it lights up and plays hymns at an obnoxious volume. Then you could walk around with a gigantic "Jesus Is #1" finger and whack people upside the head with it; just say you're giving them some of the Holy Spirit. And by Holy Spirit, I mean a giant, over sized, phallic shaped foam finger in their eye. Bet it will sell like crazy. Especially in this crazy ass country.

One last nagging detail. Who in God's name goes into a Rite-Aid and says "I need some mini-snickers for the trick-or-treaters but... ooooo I can by Christmas lights at the same time?? Sign me up!" These people need electroshock therapy with the same Christmas lights they bought on Labor Day for 10% off.