Someone's Got a Case of the Mondays

Today's post was originally going to be on a completely different topic - and then I clicked on the news last night and saw the following headline:

NORTH KOREA TESTS NUCLEAR BOMB.

That will certainly wake you up. And sure enough, this morning it was confirmed that those whacky North Koreans had done it - they set off their own bomb underground. And then the news went to the Foley story and talked about the benefits of taking vitamins. You'd think it would take a nuclear war to actually occupy the bloody news cycle.

This is the part where you look for something witty - and try as I might, it's difficult to make a lot of hay out of a crazy ass country exploding a nuclear device and scaring the bejesus out of the neighbors. Sometimes the headlines just write themselves, but not this time around.

It's pretty unnerving. I would say terrifying, but the "device" weighed nearly 100 tons, so it would take a pretty big slingshot to lob a nuclear device of this size. It will take a while for them to fully weaponize, but certainly not forever. And sure, you can say that they are entitled to, because we did the same thing sixty years ago. There is one big difference - we didn't know any better at the time. We certainly do now. And nuclear death is pretty damn ugly no matter how you spin it.

My favorite line from the DPRK news release was this one: "The nuclear test is a historic event that brought happiness to the our military and people." Anyone notice the typo? Let me get this straight - you can detonate a nuclear bomb underground but having someone do a little proof reading is beyond your abilities? And as for the celebrating, were the people dancing a jig after the bomb went off? How exactly do you celebrate a successful nuclear test? Are party hats and noise makers a little over the top? After all, a nuclear bomb is a pretty big nosie maker. And what will the international community do to punish them? Rub their noses in the nuclear fall out and say, "Bad Commie! Bad! No cookie for you!" You can see that I'm struggling for really good jokes here, not sure why... could be because...

THE NORTH KOREANS JUST SET OFF A NUCLEAR BOMB!!!

So now you're the President of the United States. What do you do? Your entire military is tied up in a battle that is showing now signs of concluding anytime this decade. A communist dictatorship tests a nuclear device, and continues to threaten the entire region. You risk further countries going nuclear out of necessity - after all, once one whack job has the bomb, you need one for protection. And to make matters even better, sanctions will accomplish nothing - the population is already starving, out of work, and without any utilities whatsoever. It's not as though you're really going to cramp their style by taking away their Xbox 360s - they don't have any.

The sad answer is probably nothing. There is nothing you can do. And the post from a few weeks back is ringing hauntingly clear. The US is stuck with our foot in a quagmire, with a president who is universally reviled by the rest of the world, who holds no real credibility in foreign affairs after the giant cock up that is Iraq, and now the crazy guy down the street is standing around firing at the neighbors and there isn't anything we can do. Some days it's just no fun being a Superpower anymore.

But fear not, because in the meantime this country will be so obsessed over this Foley mess that we won't even pay attention until North Korea wipes another country off the map.

Here's looking at you South Korea - we hardly knew ye.