World War III?

So, just when you thought the world had already fallen off of the cheese cart, it looks like we can, collectively, get a little bit goofier.

The talking heads on the 24 hour news networks have begun bantering around the following idea: That Israel blowing the holy hell out of Lebanon, the US invasion of Iraq, combined with the lunatics in Syria, Iran, and North Korea, have started what will be known in history as the beginning of World War III. I would like to point out that the success rate of people accurately predicting what history will say about any given event is about 1/10000. The notable exceptions being Roosevelt saying December 7th would "live in infamy" and that drunken guy at the bar who said the Sox were "gonna win it all baby" a few years ago.

My hunch is that the talking heads have been drinking too much of the Kool-Aid lately and really need a few weeks off. Those bright lights can start playing with your head after awhile. I was going to leave this notion alone - and chalk it up to people being well... stupid, but when CNN decided to jump on this grenade and report on the brainfart of an idea that is World War III - I felt the need to speak up.

This is not the start of World War III. I know this might disappoint some, including President Bush, who in a 2002 interview said the crash of United Flight 93 in Pennsylvania on 9/11 was the first "counterstrike of the third world war." It seems the neo-cons out there are itching for some kind of global ass whipping, but I'm afraid we're far from it becoming a World War. Now take your Prozac and get back into your corner, ya Bible thumping lunatics...

For those of you playing at home - in order for a world war to qualify as a war followed by any Roman Numeral, you really need to meet some requirements. And while this is an unofficial list, here are some components I think are needed in a World War.

1) It has to involve Germany. This one seems pretty obvious; WWI and WWII were all about the Germans invading, conquering, destroying, and generally blowing the living crap out of everything. And right now the Germans are feeling pretty laid back. Hell, they just got done playing the World Cup and they're a little tuckered out.

2) It has to start in Europe. Sorry Middle East, World Wars start in Europe...okay World War I started in the Balkans - it's the same thing! Sure eventually they end up plunging the globe into chaos and misery, but the Europeans are the only ones who know how to kick off a World War in style.

3) This one's kind of an option, but it helps. World War I had some decent leaders, but none that grabbed the headlines like their counterparts in WWII. So as a pseudo-rule: the leaders at the time need to be cool. I think we can safely say that our current leaders fail to meet this requirement by a mile. You can't top the giants that were Roosevelt and Churchill and the evil that was Hitler. Who do we have now? Bush? Blair? The US Congress? That Putin guy who likes giving little boys belly raspberries? Sorry, but in the charisma and gravitas department - hell, even in terms of freaking common sense, you're not quite there.

4) A gigantic bomb of some kind has to blow up. Face it, the world wars were known for - for lack of a better phrase - blowing the shit out of everything. WWI had the two massive bombs buried under the trenches at the Somme. WWII had the atom bomb - 'nuff said. So far we're getting some rockets and a few missiles here and there; not to mention your corner suicide bomber (also known in the region as the local welcoming committee). You're getting close you crazy fundamentalists, but you're not quite there yet. You want World War III - it's time to go Nuclear.

5) The world's governing body has to be powerless to prevent the war from happening and chooses instead to stomp its foot and act really really mad at these bad people for doing naughty things... whoops.

Okay, so you've got one out of five. It's still not World War III - now stop it.

Obviously this is meant entirely in jest. This is a serious conflict and the casualties are tragic on all sides. With that in mind, it's time for these pinhead pundits on TV to stop hyping up the war like it's a damn wrestling match. It's a regional war with global ramifications that we will live with for decades - I know it's not as catchy as the WWIII crap, but it's realistic.

And I think it's about time we were all just a bit more realistic.